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Az exek rejtelmei
Velez Csaba
Velez Csaba
- 2017. 03. 09. 12:32

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 Jelen cikkemben két fontos jelenséget fogok boncolgatni. Az egyik, hogy miért vagyunk féltékenyek az exünk jelenlegi párjára, a másik pedig, hogy miért vagyunk féltékenyek a jelenlegi párunk exére, vagy exeire. Nyilván logikailag elképzelhető az exünk jelenlegi párjaira való féltékennyé levés is, az élet azonban ilyen szituációkat ritkán produkál.

 Kezdjük akkor talán az elsővel, vagyis, hogy mi is pontosan a gondunk az elvesztett társunk aktuális partnerével.

 
Talán mindenki ismeri a gyász klasszikus szakaszait (tagadás, harag, alkudozás, szomorúság, beletörődés). Nos, sok esetben tapasztalhatjuk meg azt, hogy a gyászmunka nem ér a végére és akár a saját magunk által elkövetett hibák, akár egykori kedvesünk velünk szemben tanúsított viselkedése miatt ki nem mondott feszültségek, indulatok, elvárások bennünk maradnak. Ezt tapasztaltam, ugyanis pár évvel ezelőtt, mikor még igen gyenge önismerettel bírtam, borzasztó hosszú ideig tartott az, hogy el tudjak engedni valakit, és elfogadjam azt, hogy ő már nincs, megszűnt az életemben. Rengeteg fölösleges kört futottam le újra és újra és nem értettem, hogy mi is történik velem pontosan. Ilyenkor nyilvánvalóan zavar az, ha azt látjuk, hogy hajdani szerelmünk már mással van, mert az illető az utunkban áll. Gondoljunk csak arra, mikor azon jár az eszünk (alkudozás szakasz), hogy visszaszerezzük a másikat, megígérjük neki, hogy innentől minden másképp lesz, csak hagyja ott azt a "hülyét". Vagy saját haragunkat vetítjük ki a másik, múltbeli helyünket betöltő félre és azért dühöngünk, hogy "tudtuk volna ezt jobban is csinálni".
 
Többféle megközelítést is alkalmazhatunk, a lényeg talán a következő. Ha nem tudjuk elfogadni azt a helyzetet, hogy múltbeli szerettünk most mással van, és féltékenyek is vagyunk erre a "másikra", akkor nem mentünk végig egy nagyon fontos gyászmunkán, amiből fakadó tanulságok hatására a személyiségünk fejlődhetett volna, ezáltal érettebbé válhattunk volna arra, hogy egy újabb kapcsolatban már egy magasabb szinten valósítsuk meg vágyainkat.
 
A másik esetben, mikor is jelenlegi párunk exeire vagyunk féltékenyek, kicsit más szituációval nézünk szemben. Máris érdemes feltenni a kérdést, hogy mi is tulajdonképpen a problémánk a társunk múltjával? Miért nem bízunk abban, hogy ő elrendezte a maga dolgát, a maga partnereivel?
 
A legklasszikusabb eset az, mikor elkezdjük magunkat hasonlítgatni a másik exeivel és mivel rájövünk arra, hogy "bizony emberek vagyunk", akarva, akaratlanul is találunk egy, de sokszor több viszonyítási pontot is, amiben bizony a múltbeli partner jobban teljesített. Lehet ez szexuális jellegű, vagy akár ha férfiről van szó, akkor felmerülhet, hogy "az a pasi több pénzt keresett, így én tudom, hogy nem vagyok neked elég jó". Szerintem ez a legfontosabb kulcsszava ennek a szituációnak, mikor is alapvetően kevésnek érezzük magunkat, alkalmatlannak, de alkalmatlanságunkból fakadóan nyilván rá is vagyunk szorulva partnerünkre, éppen ezért féltékenykedünk. Függőség és alkalmatlanságérzet. Itt ezekről beszélhetünk. Hogy miből is fakad ez? Főleg gyermekkori alapjai vannak, melyeknek megtagadott szükségletek, és az ezek érvényesítése érdekében elfojtott érzelmek jelentik a táptalajt. Valakiben kifejlődik az, hogy amire ő vágyik, amire neki szüksége van, arra nem fog válasz érkezni abban a formában, ahogy az számára jó lenne. Tehát ráutalttá válik valaki másra, nehezen fog dönteni és kiszolgáltatottá válik. Így féltékenykedni kezd, hogy a féltékenységéből fakadó harag segítségével biztosítani tudja valahogy a másik személyét. Sajnos a gyakorlat inkább azt igazolja, hogy ez a fajta harag (vagy inkább agresszió) ahelyett, hogy egy egészséges köteléket fejlesztene ki két ember között, inkább megszilárdít egy kóros egyensúlyt, amiben mindkét ember bizonyos játszmák áldozatává válik és megpróbálja fenntartani magát, az ezekből fakadó játszmaelőnyök segítségével.
 
Ne felejtsük el azt sem, mikor a másik okot is ad a féltékenységre! Hiszen nem egyszer tapasztaljuk, hogy összejövünk valakivel, aki nem zárta le egy kapcsolatát (utalva az előbbiekre, hogy nem történt meg a gyászmunka), ennek következtében pedig akár kétértelmű cselekedeteket, gyanút keltő viselkedést mutat az irányunkba, ami elülteti bennünk a bizalmatlanság csíráját. Egy furcsán sokáig tartó telefonbeszélgetés, melyet a párunk folytat exével annak jelenbeli magánéleti kérdéseiről, vagy egy-két elejtett indulatos mondat, "hogy bezzeg az a rohadék mit tett velem" és máris tudjuk, hogy kedvesünknek bizony még dolga van ezzel a viszonnyal, amivel, ha nem foglalkozik, akkor mi is ugyanúgy megsínylődhetjük a helyzetet. Ugyanis egy párkapcsolat két emberről szól, nem háromról. Ismerős a szituáció?
 
Összefoglalás gyanánt, kiemelem, hogy a féltékenység önmagában egy olyasfajta reakció, amik mögött mindenképp keresendő a mögöttes tartalom, hiszen a féltés és a féltékenység koránt sem egyenlő. Félteni félthetünk autentikus, hiteles formában egy szeretett személyt, ugyanakkor a féltékenység inkább egy tünete egy általunk még meg nem oldott konfliktusnak.

A blogbejegyzést Velez Csaba pszichológus küldte be, kattints ide, hogy megtekintsd a szakember adatlapját!


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